i don't know what i'm supposed to be
before july, i had june
June happened, and Iβm a mess. I donβt know what Iβm supposed to be. This stagnant feeling is like the absence of once I used to be, scared of not being myself again and thinking I donβt have much time to go back. I am torn between returning to what Iβm used to and being careless or creating a new version of myself, self-aware, and a mess, but I have a way to improve. Itβs confusing; Iβm a mess, but I know what Iβm doing. Itβs like this is all planned out, but things didnβt go how I wanted them to, and I blame myself for not doing better than I did yesterday. I always thought, βTomorrow I will do better,β but why not now? Why do I need to wait for tomorrow to be better? Then I realized that maybe Iβm not healed from the things I thought I already was. Maybe I was just distracted.
Today, July 17th, Iβm done with the house chores, but I kept on looking for more things to do, just not to think and let my mind eat me alive again. Other than sitting here and writing this with my music on, my mindβs pretty full even though Iβm throwing things out here. I somehow always know what to do, but itβs getting far away to reach for βalwaysβ anymore. Conceivably, I have to let things go and take things slowβI'm working on that, but I know it will take me a while to get back on track. The darkness inside me is all over me now, and thereβs no way I can let this fade for just a few days. I can wait. What are the odds of waiting for something rather than doing things you donβt even plan for?
June happened, and I was a mess. I know what Iβm supposed to be, but I just canβt see it yet. Letβs meet after July, maybe find our way back or create something better for ourselves, and leave this agony behind.