i don't know what i'm supposed to be

before july, i had june

June happened, and I’m a mess. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be. This stagnant feeling is like the absence of once I used to be, scared of not being myself again and thinking I don’t have much time to go back. I am torn between returning to what I’m used to and being careless or creating a new version of myself, self-aware, and a mess, but I have a way to improve. It’s confusing; I’m a mess, but I know what I’m doing. It’s like this is all planned out, but things didn’t go how I wanted them to, and I blame myself for not doing better than I did yesterday. I always thought, “Tomorrow I will do better,” but why not now? Why do I need to wait for tomorrow to be better? Then I realized that maybe I’m not healed from the things I thought I already was. Maybe I was just distracted.

Today, July 17th, I’m done with the house chores, but I kept on looking for more things to do, just not to think and let my mind eat me alive again. Other than sitting here and writing this with my music on, my mind’s pretty full even though I’m throwing things out here. I somehow always know what to do, but it’s getting far away to reach for ‘always’ anymore. Conceivably, I have to let things go and take things slow—I'm working on that, but I know it will take me a while to get back on track. The darkness inside me is all over me now, and there’s no way I can let this fade for just a few days. I can wait. What are the odds of waiting for something rather than doing things you don’t even plan for?

June happened, and I was a mess. I know what I’m supposed to be, but I just can’t see it yet. Let’s meet after July, maybe find our way back or create something better for ourselves, and leave this agony behind.

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