June happened, and Iโm a mess. I donโt know what Iโm supposed to be. This stagnant feeling is like the absence of once I used to be, scared of not being myself again and thinking I donโt have much time to go back. I am torn between returning to what Iโm used to and being careless or creating a new version of myself, self-aware, and a mess, but I have a way to improve. Itโs confusing; Iโm a mess, but I know what Iโm doing. Itโs like this is all planned out, but things didnโt go how I wanted them to, and I blame myself for not doing better than I did yesterday. I always thought, โTomorrow I will do better,โ but why not now? Why do I need to wait for tomorrow to be better? Then I realized that maybe Iโm not healed from the things I thought I already was. Maybe I was just distracted.
Today, July 17th, Iโm done with the house chores, but I kept on looking for more things to do, just not to think and let my mind eat me alive again. Other than sitting here and writing this with my music on, my mindโs pretty full even though Iโm throwing things out here. I somehow always know what to do, but itโs getting far away to reach for โalwaysโ anymore. Conceivably, I have to let things go and take things slowโI'm working on that, but I know it will take me a while to get back on track. The darkness inside me is all over me now, and thereโs no way I can let this fade for just a few days. I can wait. What are the odds of waiting for something rather than doing things you donโt even plan for?
June happened, and I was a mess. I know what Iโm supposed to be, but I just canโt see it yet. Letโs meet after July, maybe find our way back or create something better for ourselves, and leave this agony behind.